Please buy me a German coupé
One slide. Three facts.
Zero exaggeration. (Some exaggeration.)
One (1) pre-owned German coupé
Gently used. Sensibly priced. Extensively researched by me at 1am on many consecutive nights.
Less than you think
Depreciation has already done the heavy lifting. Full financial breakdown on slide 4 — I made a chart and everything.
A safe, punctual, grateful child
Plus airport pickups. Forever. At any hour. Without sighing. This clause alone is worth thousands.
Disclaimer: this presentation contains forward-looking statements about chores.
You want me in the safest car possible.
Incredible news: so do I.
- 1.1Built like a bank vault. High-strength steel safety cells engineered for a motorway with no speed limit. We have speed limits. So it's basically over-engineered for our roads. That's free safety.
- 1.2Five-star crash ratings across the range, plus airbags in places you didn't know cars had places.
- 1.3A co-pilot that never sleeps. Automatic emergency braking, lane-keep assist, blind-spot monitoring. It literally nags me electronically. You'd love it.
- 1.4Engineered by people whose motorways have no speed limit. Driven by someone who will absolutely, definitely obey ours. (Hi Mum.)
Depreciation: someone else already
paid for the expensive part.
(first owner pays this)
(still not our problem)
(same car. German. Ours.)
A six-year-old German coupé costs about the same as a brand-new boring hatchback. This is called value investing. I read that somewhere credible.
Figures illustrative. Gratitude figures independently audited and found to be enormous.
Two doors. Fewer passengers.
Fewer distractions.
Research consistently shows passengers are a leading distraction for new drivers. A coupé is parental control, expressed as bodywork.
Five seats = five opinions, four snack requests, and someone asking to "see what it can do". No thank you.
The back seat is technically a shelf. I physically cannot drive the whole friend group anywhere. You're welcome.
Bonus: nobody asks for a lift in a two-door. This is a feature, not a bug.
Any of these. I'm flexible. (Please.)
BMW 2 Series Coupé
The driver's one. Balanced, planted, sensibly sized. The autojournalists' darling — and who am I to argue with journalism?
Audi TT
The stylish one. Basically a design museum with cupholders. Small, light, famously easy to park at Nan's.
Mercedes-Benz A200
Technically a hatchback. Emotionally a coupé. Spiritually, the correct answer — you witnessed its final form during the opening ceremony.
Pre-owned warmly welcomed · colour fully negotiable · manual transmission = built-in anti-theft device.
Objections you're about to raise,
pre-handled.
My commitments, signed in blood.*
*washable ink
- ✓Fuel: I pay for every single litre. Forever. Even when petrol prices do that thing.
- ✓Care: washed & vacuumed fortnightly. Weekly during magpie season.
- ✓Conduct: grades stay up, curfew stays respected, P-plate rules followed to the letter.
- ✓Service: free airport pickups for life. Any hour. No sighing. Includes baggage handling.
- ✓Errands: unlimited grocery runs, Bunnings runs, and visits to Nan (she will love the car).
- ✓Culture: the family playlist may be played in full, without commentary.
So… can we?
This is a safe space for the word "yes".
Thank you for
your consideration
Questions? Comments? Concerns?
I have rebuttals prepared for all of them.
Prepared with love (and mild desperation). No parents were harmed in the making of this presentation.
Press ← to relive the highlights. Slide 9 accepts resubmissions at any time.